Reminisce

I finally moved out of my friends' house. If I thought I was painfully lonely then, I'm unbearably lonely now.

This new room I'm in reminds me of halls in my first year of Uni. I'm stuck staring at 4 walls with no interaction with anyone else other than online. And even then it's brief.

My friends are still around, in fact they're only around the corner. But it's only until May and then they're all leaving the city altogether once they've finished Uni. Which means I'll have no friends.

This thought makes me feel sick. I don't want to wake up every day, go to work, go home and be alone and then repeat the process. I need someone, anyone to talk to.

I'm independent enough that I can spend some time on my own fine, but when it's every single night, I'll go insane.

I need to get out there and meet new people. But I don't know how. I've left Uni now and work full time. How do people in full time employment meet people? I can't meet anyone through work because it's the same 7 people every day. I refuse to go to bars/clubs on my own and those places are generally no good to meet people for friendship/relationship-forming anyway.

I'm pretty much left with one option, and that's online.

I've never been good at meeting people online tbh. I find it an effort to communicate via typing; I much prefer to talk in person even if it does take me some time to come out of my shell with anyone new.

I'm trying to see the bright side of life, but it's so difficult right now. I keep thinking about the sheer amount of people living on the planet. You'd think there'd be at least one new person out there that I can connect with, even if just as a very close friend and not necessarily in a relationship sense.

But I haven't found that person. Even my existing friends I don't feel like I can tell anything to.

I'm beginning to think that destiny exists and I'm just destined to live and die alone. And if that's the case, I'd rather just skip the life bit to be honest...

why do good things always happen to everyone else and not me?

why is every single person around me happy when i feel like absolute shit?

give up.

i can't do it anymore, i really can't.

i hate myself too much now to enjoy anything. i don't want to look in the mirror, i don't want to leave the house, i don't want to do anything. i'm just too much of a fucking freak to do anything.

i just want to curl up into a ball and die.

You'll all probably recoil in horror, but I actually really like scene/emo hair styles. I don't know what it is about them, they just look good to me.

Sooo, naturally I want to get a sceney hair cut for myself. But I'm stuck coz I don't think I'm pretty enough to pull one off :/

I really need to get my hair cut at one point though because it's too long and skanky now. But the whole prospect terrifies me coz I'm completely unsure what to do and 9/10 when I go to the hairdresser I come back in tears and want to hide myself away from the universe because I somehow get a cut that makes me look even uglier than I am.

Aaaargh.

Why is it so difficult to get anything done in this country?

I'm convinced that if this country wasn't so shite, I wouldn't be fucking homeless at the moment.

Seriously, I've tried putting my name down on a homeless application form (on my Mum's more specifically) but apparently it's going to take months before they do fuck all because they don't rehome you quickly unless you're pregnant, have young children or mentally/physically disabled in some way.

I tried putting my name on a separate form for council housing over here in the city, knowing that again it would take some time. But it was OK because my friends generously let me crash until I got somewhere. However, NOW the council want proof of all of my addresses in the past 5 years. And because I never foresaw becoming homeless, I didn't keep my old tenancy agreements. So that's that out of the fucking window.

And to make matters worse, because the council now know I'm here in my friends' house, they want to charge our household £137 council tax per month (it would normally be free because they're students, but I'm not a student so they've charged us full whack). And there's no way in fucking HELL I can afford that what with being jobless currently. Not unless I went completely without food in order to pay it out of my unemployment benefit.

I AM looking for a job, but nobody wants to employ me because I haven't worked in industry before... This is despite me getting a pretty good degree in the end (I got dead on 2.1 by some fluke)

I can't claim a special discount on the council tax because it's in my friends' names and I can't transfer it to mine because I'm not on the tenancy here. And if their letting agents find out, I'd get into trouble.

I can't rent privately because nobody will take on tenants who are on housing benefits because of the bad rap they get (everyone sees ALL housing benefit tenants as layabouts who pocket the benefit and don't pay their rent with it like they're meant to).

Basically, I'm certified 'FUCKED'.

What has someone gotta do to get a fucking roof over their head if they're fated to be unemployed for months due to the economic crisis?

I'm not shitting you all when I say my only real sure-fire way of getting somewhere to live at the moment is if I got myself knocked up.

YAY UNITED KINGDOM YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME NOT YOU FUCKING CUNTING COUNTRY

I need to sort my life out asap but I just don't know how I'm gonna do it.

The obvious answer is, get a job. But it's so hard. I just keep getting rejection letters from everywhere because I'm not experienced enough...

I got a bill through the door today. Well, my friends did but when I saw the envelope I knew it was going to be about me, so I opened it. Sure enough, there is was, the Council Tax bill of £945.

Basically, students don't have to pay council tax, but because I'm there (a non-student), they get charged it. And being that it's over 900 quid, I can't afford it in a million years just on unemployment benefit.

So I have to leave. And I dunno where the fuck I'm gonna go.

I have 3 options. One, I go and live with my brother & dad. Which isn't preferable at all since the flat is too tiny for us all to live comfortably. Second, I go live with my sister (the one who isn't hosting my mum atm) but again, it'll be cramped. In addition, living in either of those places takes me away from here (where I want to be) and means I have to change my unemployment benefit centre which could in turn cause a delay in my payments. It also means I can't easily look for jobs here.

The final, possible option is that I beg a lettings agent to let me on my friends' (different ones to those I'm staying with atm) tenancy as they have a spare place for an extra person. The reason why I say beg, is because this lettings agent among with many others like to avoid people on benefits like the plague. However, if it means they get an extra £270 a month that they normally wouldn't get, they may allow me to come on board with a guarantor.

There is another option after all these of course, which is that I live on the streets. But that is, as you can imagine, a last resort.

So yeah, I'm in an absolute mess of a situation. Yesterday I was actually happy coz I found out that my deposit will be coming through in the next couple of weeks. But now, I have to pay that fucking council tax bill for the month I've lived here which is £137. So I'm back to square fucking one where my overdraft isn't any getting smaller whereas the time before they start charging me interest on it is drawing nearer.

I just hope I get a job soon...

No seriously, I'm so weird it's unreal.

Before I elaborate, excuse any spelling errors. I'm currently somewhat drunk at the minute. I've just been on a night out (most likey my last till i get a job).

Basically, I'm such an absolute idiot. I always wonder why I'm forever single and now I think I know why. It's because i'm a huge freak of nature. I have no social skills whatsoever. Whenever people speak to me, I'm very easily confused. Well, I say confused, deep down I know exactly what's going on but what I never know how to actually react to it. And thats what confuses me. I dunno if this makes any sort of sense whatsoever, probably not.

here's some backstory.

a guy who's friends with my housemate came with us on the night outl. I got along with him really well and he's a very nice guy. I had a good chat with him and it turns out we have some things in common. But I hardly know him any mopre than that. I literqally have only spoken to him one-on-one for like, 20 minutes tops. so towards the end of the night he must be pretty drunk. and he tries to dance with me in a suggestive way (i dunno how else to describe this). and i freak out coz i don't understand what's going on. because i don't realy know him, i get very uncomfortable and wonder what the hell to do. i'm basically stood there like a twat thinking "shit what do i do, what do i do, what do i do". and so, massive awkwardness ensues. and i feel really bad for him, because he's probably feeling like a twat too. he even apologised to me later.

it takes me a shit-long time before i feel comfortable doing anything. i'm so self-conscious it must look painful to any onlookers. even my good friends i struggle to just 'let my hair down'. so i'm going to feel 100x worse with someone i don't really know.

i feel like such an idiot. there must have been a much better way to handle the situation but i'm struck dumb (as always).

i'm now wondering if there's any kind of medication available to stupid people like me...

Time for a life update.

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I cancelled my graduation ceremony, and already I'm regretting it.

I won't lie that I kind of wanted to experience what graduation was like. But I just can't afford the robe hire...

Not to mention that my degree grade is going to pitiful.

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