Reminisce

FUCKING DISAPPEAR YOU STUPID BITCH. JUST FUCKING DISAPPEAR.

Leave me and my family THE FUCK ALONE.

- Lose at least a stone. Ideal dress size at least UK size 10
- Focus harder on Uni work
- Drink less alcohol and try to enjoy social situations without having to turn to a bottle
- Join a society (rock climbing is looking good)
- Try and revive websites by doing some web designing again

I hope I can do all this :S

I hate life so much right now. I just don't have the energy to continue with it.

I'm sick of having no friends; nobody to talk to, nobody who gives a flying fuck about me whatsoever.

I'm sick of constantly being alone. I'm sick of being hideously ugly. I'm sick of being socially retarded. I'm sick of being ignored all the time for all the aforementioned reasons.

My life is a complete pile of shit. I seriously wish I'd just been aborted.

I hate how my family have to keep reminding me how 'intelligent' I am and how good it is that I'm at university. I DON'T FUCKING CARE.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't WANT to be fucking 'intelligent'. What's the point being that when you have no friends and no life whatsoever? I don't enjoy doing work, going home and just sitting there with fuck all to do. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT SO MUCH.

What the fuck happened to me? Why did it all turn out like this? why was I even fucking BORN? My mum already had two girls, both much better than I can ever possibly hope to be. I didn't need to be born, I was just a massive mistake.

I can't do anything right. I never have been able to, never will. I'm a massive failure, a worthless piece of shit who deserves to be dead. The world doesn't need pathetic wastes of space like me on it. I give up. I can't take this shit anymore.

I'm just going to curl up in a corner and hope I die.

Hello world.

I haven't been around much lately and I haven't the foggiest idea if people even read this anymore. I have a feeling I'm the only one who does.

I've been completely out of the loop these last couple of years. Gradually, I'd use the Internet less and less. I think I can pinpoint this to when our Internet went down for 2 weeks (over a year ago now). I got used to not having to use the net so by the time it came back, I just didn't use it much.

University also contributed to my disappearance. I had a hell of a lot of work to do and a new social life that I never had back home. I'd be going out in the evenings and staying out partying until 3,4 or even 6 in the morning. And when the summer break came round, it was back home to no Internet again. Well, apart from one of those awful mobile broadband dongles but I could hardly do much on 0.03mbps.

The second year of Uni has now started and since I've been back, I've hardly been going on my laptop at all, let alone working on my websites/writing in this thing. I have no idea if the anime web design community even exists anymore. I haven't got a clue at all who owns what website and what the latest trend in anime web templates is. I don't know who the 'top' designers are or who's in the 'elitest' group. In fact, I don't know if people even use those terms anymore.

I haven't touched MSN for about 5 months. I occasionally sign in as appear offline, but I have like 5 contacts online, no more. And most of them live in the same house as me at Uni.

I don't know what I'm trying to get at here really. But I've suddenly realised that I don't recognise the www anymore. It's morphed into something completely different to when I used it back in those days. I feel incredibly old.

I kind of miss those days where I'd churn out loads of layouts or icons each day. But if I went back to it, I don't think anybody would be around on my domain to even see any new work of mine. Not to mention I'll get bogged down with Uni work again soon enough.

In fact, now that I think about it, I don't even read manga anymore lately. I've just kind of, fallen out of the loop with everything.

I guess this is the beginning of the end for my anime web designing experience.

So I wanted to go out tonight and get so drunk that I forgot everything. But it didn't happen. I guess I'll spend another night crying myself to sleep again instead...

I'm going to keep this brief for reasons which shall soon become clear.

All I'm going to say is, I hate periods more than anything else in the world right now.

Now, either I'm too suspicious of people and paranoid, or my flatmate just tried to pull a right shit joke on me.

We had to clean the kitchen right now coz the inspectors are coming tomorrow to check and if it's not to standard, we get a cleaning charge. Bearing in mind, it was all HER mess, so I dunno why I should help. I don't like arguments though so I just went along with it.

She just casually asked me "have you had any haunting activities in this hall?" and I said no. Coz I don't believe in that crap and I haven't had anything out of the ordinary happen.

It just occurred to me that she probably thought I'm that thick, that I'd say "well, my door keeps opening for no reason!" (in reference to the fact people keep pushing my doors and running away). Worst attempt at a prank ever.

Do I look like I'm a naive twat?

Why do people find pushing my door open and running away so fucking fascinating?

Seriously, it right grinds my gears when people do it. It's not even funny.

DIVERSITY WON BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT.

I think that's £4 worth of voting well spent!

Britain's Got Talent is a farce.

Well, University is now officially finished for this year.

I can't believe it's gone by so fast. One minute I was in my room, no Internet, nobody to talk to and with only mobile Facebook and MSN to entertain me, the next I'm sitting my last exam.

It's strange just how fast it's gone by.

This year hasn't been the best year, I must admit. I didn't really get on with my flatmates or my coursemates and I only really made friends with a few people. Looking back, I know I should have made more of an effort. I should have put myself out there and spoke to new people, not hang out with friends from before University.

But I didn't and I paid the price for it.

Despite that though, I have had a much busier social life than back home and I much prefer this city to my home. I also like the independence and my course. Without those two, I'd have dropped out for sure. But they kept me here and I'll continue to stay here. I'll sort my education out first and then everything else can follow by itself.

Next year, I will try and make more of an effort. Maybe I'll make friends with some new students, who knows. I have the house sorted, which I'm living in with a few friends. I dunno how it will turn out (there are arguments already), but it's the only choice I have and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

This year was hard work and next year will be even harder. But I'm more prepared for next year now. Hopefully it will be even better this one.

I just need to make sure I can afford it. I'm going to try and get a part-time job. I don't see it happening in this recession, but I'll try anyway.

Overall, it was a pretty average year but I got something done. Better than sitting there trying to find a job and failing.

Roll on September. This summer is gonna be long...

Finally got those assignments done. Had a 3 week Easter holiday and have been back at Uni for 3 weeks (I decided to spend the last week of my Easter holiday in Uni because of family problems)

Now I just have to do my last exam and I'm finished for the first year. The exam being tomorrow. I'm NOT looking forward to it whatsoever. I've been trying to revise for it for a few days now and I just can't get the stuff to stick in my head. It's not that it's hard to understand, just tedious and boring. My mind just refuses to hold onto it.

I had my first exam yesterday which went smoothly enough. I just had to answer questions on HTML/CSS, SQL and web standards, accessibility and usability. Was actually really easy (I was expecting it to be much harder).

But the exam tomorrow will be an absolute bitch.

I have to somehow memorise the syntax for ActionScript functions (and ActionScript is one programming language I will never be friends with), and remember crap like the principles of interface design, user requirements, task analysis and other boring shite.

I'm dreading it. But I have to aim to get as many marks as possible because it holds 50% weight on my module.

As for the other modules, I'm hoping I've passed them fine. I'm certain I've passed Java. I worked out all of my coursework marks yesterday and got 90% XD That's the highest I will ever get for anything at University, I imagine. I have no idea how the videos went; still haven't got my mark back. Hopefully I got just enough to scrape the pass mark (40%) though.

Judging from my CW marks and my exam yesterday, I'm confident I'll pass my web design/databases module.

It's just this exam tomorrow that's got me in a panic :S

In other news, I have no idea where I'm gonna go for the Summer holiday. My parents have had a massive bustup and my Mum has disowned my sisters and brother apparently. I dunno if I really wanna go back home. As far as I'm concerned, University is my home now. I actually have friends here and a social life. Back 'home', there's nothing to do and I have no friends, bar one. It's going to be a very rubbish Summer :(

Wow I kind of disappeared off the face of the Earth for a bit there.

Maybe it's been the MASSIVE-ARSE pile of work I've had to do. Seriously, I was lumped with 4 deadlines all within a couple of days of each other. I'm STILL not finished. I've handed in two assignments and have another two to go, gaaaaah

My list of assignments are as follows:

- Create two videos; one music video and one creative (anything you want basically) PLUS portfolio
- Create website, backend database and use VBscript ASP pages to link both to create login system
- Create Flash project plus portfolio (group). Presentation tomorrow ;_;
- Create Java case study program, using user-defined objects and aggregrate classes

The first two on the list are done and dusted. The remaining two I have until next week to do. Actually, the Java one in due in this week on the 2nd. Arghhhhh

Yeah, University is NOTHING like college at all. College was an absolute doss about; do the work whenever the hell you want and you'll still have enough time to finish everything off.

University is just an endless pile of wooooooork. And I have 2 exams in May, 2 days apart from each other.

And do you know the worst part of it? This year's work counts NOTHING to my final degree. It's just for the sake of passing onto the second year. And if THIS year (worth nothing) is THIS hard, FUCK KNOWS what next year's gonna be like.

I need a holiday ._.

Sometimes I just wish I'd disappear from existence altogether.

I'm tired of being myself now. I know that nobody likes me when I'm me. I wish I could change myself into a completely different person. Because at the moment, I'm a failure.

I can't do anything. I'm talentless, ugly and a complete waste of space. I don't want to be this anymore. I don't want people to see me as the useless person who never has anything worthwhile to say.

I want to be seen as someone else completely. Someone who people will value.

It's either that or I face a lifetime of being branded all these negative and pathetic things, going about life with nobody ever interested in me.

I'll change myself bit by bit, starting with my appearance. When I'm finished, I hope to be a different, better person.

If there's one thing that SUCKS on your birthday (apart from Meningitis, lol), it's when all of your birthday money you put in your account gets automatically swallowed by your overdraft, making it seem like you never got any money in the first place.

It doesn't help I have a deposit of £250 on a house going out soon. I'm already about £300 overdrawn which means I'll be £550 in debt. I won't be getting any more money till the end of March, when my scholarship and bursary (£950) go in. By that time, I'll only actually get like £200 of that. The rest will be taken away by my overdraft.

My Dad's going to give me some money to keep me going soon, thank GOD. Otherwise I'll be living on bare minimum which is pasta every day and no going out again until the end of this term (which is 6 weeks to go).

The pasta I could live with but going out is essential to me XD

In other news, my birthday was awesome. I gathered some people up, only expecting there to be 5 or 6 people who turned up. We ended up with a party of 9. We went to a restaurant and had a really nice Italian meal. We then all sat in my kitchen till about 7AM the next day.

It was really really funny. I have so many funny quotes from the night but I cba to type them all on here.

It was Ian's birthday on the 14th too, so we all went out to Soar Point followed by a 'fetish' night at Redeemer. It wasn't really that fetish-y if I'm honest XD

I've basically had little sleep for quite a while. I had a massive nap here earlier to catch up and I feel a lot less tired. Thus, life goes back to normal (if you can call Uni life that, lol).

Anyway, I've run out of things to say. But I'll probably blog again later when something interesting happens.

The 28th couldn't come soon enough

I want that figure SO BAD.

I want a wall scroll with him on too.

8DDDDD

This is going to sound really really pathetic to some, but I really want Square to remake FF7.

I've complained about FF7 for a long time and how Square kept milking it. I even used to think it was overrated. However, after playing Crisis Core and understanding the story much better, I'm beginning to agree that it is a fantastic game.

I DO like FF7 a lot. Not as much as 9, but it's still one of my favourite games. And after seeing the brilliant graphics in Crisis Core, Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus (though I've never played DoC, I've seen clips of the FMV scenes on Youtube), I feel that FF7 should be updated to fit in with the rest of the compilation.

Maybe it's just my OCD nature talking, but if it was me who had made all these games + corresponding film, I'd want to make them all on par with eachother. As it stands now, FF7 isn't on par with the others. And that would bug me. I'd want to update it and polish it off so that it fits.

So I hope Square see it the same way as I do and remake it.

Of course, I'd love to see a remake of 9 more than anything else, but I know that that wouldn't ever happen. Because 9 is just not that popular. Nobody would really give two hoots about a remake and so Square wouldn't make anything out of it. However, FF7 is another story completely. I think a CRAPLOAD of money would be made from releasing a remake. Simply because it's so incredibly popular amongst the masses.

When Square did the technical demo for the PS3 to show how FF7 would look revamped, everyone went mental. They all thought there would be a remake. But there hasn't been one yet and it's supposedly never gonna happen (according to some people).

I know that if there was a remake, it wouldn't be for ages yet because of all the other massive projects currently in development. But I seriously do think there is something to be gained from remaking it in future. And it is a perfectly doable challenge too. Square have already demonstrated in the tech. demo, FF7:AC, FF7:DoC and FF7:CC that they can make up-to-date versions of the FF7 universe. All they need to do now is do the main game in the same fashion.

Here's to hoping :)

[I got hold of a controller, whoooo]

Crisis Core's ending was BRUTAL.

I've never seen anyone in a final Fantasy game meet such a sticky end. When Aerith died, I was pretty much detached from it all (probably because I don't like her). Same goes for any other characters who died, including Kuja (though I was still quite sad).

( There are possible spoilers here, but if you've played FF7, you'll expect all of this anyway )

I have a MASSIVE urge to play FF7 now. But I haven't got a working PS2 controller ;_; Bad times.

I complain about Final Fantasy 7 a lot, but I would just like to say this:

Zack is by far the best character from the whole game. And the game's gone back up in my rankings SOLELY because of him.

I've been playing Crisis Core lately and I've grown attached to him a hell of a lot. I dunno why, but he's just so awesome.

I'll be sad when he dies :(

I just finished reading Fairy Cube. It's so pretty *A* I think I shall buy it.

...when I have money.

In other news, I've managed to get glitter everywhere again. I haven't even gotten rid of the last lot yet (the stuff that I poured all over my face lol)

Oh well.