Reminisce

I'm going to keep this brief for reasons which shall soon become clear.

All I'm going to say is, I hate periods more than anything else in the world right now.

It's just hit me that it's less than 2 weeks to Christmas.

I haven't felt it at all. Not one bit. Year by year, the 'Christmas feeling' decreases. and now this year, it doesn't feel like it whatsoever. I don't feel excited or happy or anything. I just feel stressed out and like crap because of everything.

Every year is the same anyway. And it's boring if I'm honest. I don't want to go through the same boring routine of just sitting indoors watching TV or going up the club (which is crap). I don't want to go round to my parents' friend's house and sit through boring games of charades. I'd rather sleep through the whole thing and just skip to 2009.

I don't want to celebrate this year. Because it's just been an endless cycle of torment.

Copy pasted from a forum blog because I can't be bothered to type a separate entry.

---

I have once again concluded that 2008 is the worst year of my life.

If things at Uni weren't stressful enough, my Grandad passed away last Wednesday. Which is why I haven't been on here [the forum] for days.

I feel like absolute crap. I can't concentrate on my Uni work, I can't face talking to people apart from close friends/family, I just wanna lock myself in my room and sleep all the time.

I walk around in a constant daze; my legs do the walking of their own accord and my mind just isn't anywhere in it. Because of this, I normally find myself accidentally walking past people I know and ignoring their greetings. I don't mean to; I just can't concentrate on what I'm doing...

I just don't feel right at all. I didn't before, but since my Grandad died, I feel even more crap. I keep thinking about what the point of life actually is. What's the point of going through all this shit if we're all gonna die anyway?

And where the fuck do we actually go after we die?

I'm in way over my head with all this...

This year has just been one problem after another. It's like somebody is mocking me, making me lose everything I've ever had or wanted. I've lost all of my confidence, self-esteem, energy, motivation, friendships, you name it. And now I'm losing my family too...

I hate life.

[Sorry for the rant everyone, I just needed to get this off of my chest...]

For the sake of posting something here with a little bit more substance, I will talk about University.

So yeah, for anyone who doesn't know yet, I plan on going to this Uni to do a course called 'Multimedia Computing'. The course basically consists of things digital imaging, 3D imaging, animation, Java programming, audio and video, kinematics and loads of other things. Hopefully it will be a good course to dosince it will give me some knowledge of different Adobe software other than Photoshop, as well as give me some skills in other media types such as filming and audio, etc.

As long as I don't have to be IN the film or recording :(

The Uni is in a city called Leicester which is about a half hour train journey from the town where I go to college in (which is a 10 minute car journey/40 minute bus ride). I went to see the city almost 2 weeks ago with my friend and we got completely lost trying to find the Uni from the train station. We had a brief look at the shopping centres which seem to have a lot of good shops in. Add to that the fact that they're expanding it by LOADS by adding like 200 more shops and restaurants (one of which is a Sushi restaurant) as well as a Multiplex cinema.

The night life is supposedly good there too. There is a night club called Mosh where they play alternative music as well as some places that do live gigs. Where I'll fit right in since I'm interested in all of that stuff.

The thing that makes the city even better is that fact that it's just short train journeys away from two other major cities in the country: Nottingham and Birmingham. Both cities are huge with loads more shops and live gigs by well known bands. Which makes things so much easier for me coz to get a gig there from where I live now takes loads of time and money.

So everything at the moment is looking up. But I have just one fear. Actually I have two. Which are:

1 - I won't make any friends
2 - The course won't be right

To be fair, if the course isn''t right for me, I could simply change or drop out and go next year on a different course. It isn't a complete fail if I do decide I can't stand it. The thing I'm REALLY worried about is problem #1.

The thing with me is, I'm a very shy and quiet person. I don't necessarily speak unless I'm spoken to first. The reason for this is partly because I'm very self-concious. The other factor would be my lack of confidence and self-esteem.

When I was a school, I'd speak and people would look at me like I was some sort of freak. Either that, or they'd ignore I'd even said anything altogether. So eventually, I'd just stop bothering to speak to anyone other than friends. Since then, I've got it into my head that nothing I say is interesting. So I just don't speak. And wait for people to speak to me first. Which more often than not, never happens.

Therefore, I'm worried that people are just gonna blank me or think I'm really weird and ignore me. I know that everyone's gonna be in the same boat as me. Nobody knows everyone there and everyone's gonna be in the same situation with moving away from home, etc. But the difference with other people is, they'll probably be able to go and just talk to people easily. I'll find that extremely hard to do coz I'd just be incredibly paranoid the whole time about sounding boring and annoying. Either that or I'll make a complete idiot of myself and say something that sounds really stupid :/

I just know that I'm gonna find it hard. My whole life has been the same. People will largely ignore my existence and if I try and speak to them, they're gonna think I'm a complete nutter. It's the same everywhere I go. And I don't think University is gonna be any different to be honest.

In spite of this MAD fear I have, I'm gonna try my absolute best to try and talk to people. I've been the way I am all my life and it really pisses me off. I HATE who I am, to be brutally honest. I look in the mirror and think "What a let-down. What a pathetic piece of scum" and I don't wanna have to think that any more. I wanna be able to just stop caring what people think about me and be more confident. I just don't think I have it in me to change :/

But I'll try. That's why I'm gonna change my appearance before I go. I know that sounds pathetic, but I think it's the only way I'm gonna achieve my goal, to be honest. I need to change my hair to a style more suited to me, that will actually make me look less ugly; this means getting it cut, styled and dyed. And I need to change the way I dress too. At the moment, I look like a tramp. Most of the time, I just shove band t-shirts on and a pair of jeans. But if I'm going to be going out a fair bit at University, I'm gonna have to invest in some nice new tops that look a bit more feminine. The band tees can do for just casual lounging around.

I dunno :( I'm just really worried about it all. It doesn't help that I've kinda fallen out with a friend who was going to the same Uni as me. Well, not really fallen out with him, just that I'm cutting down on speaking to him coz his girlfriend keeps accusing me of trying to steal him away. The amount of arguments that they have over me and other girls he speaks to just got too much and I thought "Fuck it, I just won't involve myself any more". It's not that I don't want to be friends with him, just that it causes too many bloody problems if I am.

I can't speak to him coz that means I'm 'stealing him away'. I can't see him coz that means 'he cares about me more than his girlfriend'. I can't arrange anything when he comes to visit (coz he lives miles away and they have a LDR) because he just ends up cancelling it to stay with her anyway. It does my head in so I don't wanna get tangled up in it any more.

But as I was saying, before all of this happened, we planned on going onto Uni together so that we had a friend to talk to should we not make any new ones. But now that's pretty much out the window since we can't socialise with each other without causing loads of conflict and hurt.

For the record, I don't have any interest in taking him away at all.

I dunno what to do about any of this :(

Well that's 3 people I thought were my friends gone forever.


Why is everyone ditching me...?

I had the words to say
But they slipped away

More on the way, soon. Maybe.

There's no point in hoping any more...

So why do I keep doing it?



I wish it would all just go away ;_;

Yeah so that party was pretty much everything I expected to happen. 'Cept for a couple of things here and there.

( the party )

( and the reason why I'm still not over this )

God, I wish I'd stop bursting into fucking tears all the time.

I'm so pathetic...

I feel so pathetic. I feel helpless, just sitting here and watching everything fall apart and burn.

I want everything to be fixed. I want everyone to be back to normal; their normal, happy selves. I want us all to be together.

But it can't happen and I want it to, but can't do anything.

And I just feel so...useless.

Sorry for last night's embarrassment of an entry. If you didn't notice, I was drunk. Very much so.

I've been really upset this past week. I split up with my boyfriend, again. Except, this time it was his decision and there's no second chance.

He said it was because he couldn't take the distance anymore. Because we live 150 miles away from each other. I don't think he was able to handle the fact that I wasn't there much and we could only see each other every 2/3 weeks.

But it's hit me hard coz I didn't see it coming. I thought it was all gonna be alright. But it wasn't alright and now I dunno what to do with myself.

I wish I could have just lived in the same place as him...

Why is life so cruel? How much more shit can I handle? How much more crap do I have to handle?

I just wanted happiness and for things to work out. But no, some higher being decided that I didn't deserve that at all. And I feel like I've been cheated.

I feel as if I've bought a ticket for a gig that will make my life and someone has cancelled the show just as I get to the door.




I just feel so lonely right now...

They say that when you turn 18, you turn into an adult more or less.

I'm 18 tomorrow and I don't feel a bit more grown up AT ALL. I still feel like a pathetic little kid who doesn't know what she wants and how to get it. I have no idea how the world works or anything.

I'm so clueless about everything. And I'm scared of being an adult too.

I have to really buckle down and look for a job. But I'm just really terrified because I don't like people or interacting with strangers. And then there's University later on this year, which means moving away from home and leaving my friends behind. I'd have to go out and make friends with new people and I don't do that easily because I'm too quiet and weird for other people to really give a shit about my presence.

Then there's getting a proper full-time career further on in the future :/

I get the feeling that I think too far ahead all the time. I can't help it; I always automatically assume that everything's gonna fail and that I need to plan things in advance all the time. I plan things in advance excessively. When I wake up in the morning, I plan what I'm gonna do after I get up, step by step. And that means I plan every little thing out in my life ahead of time. It's annoying; I wish I could just go with the flow. But I get scared if I try and do that.

You probably don't understand anything that I'm going on about.

In conclusion though, I'm not ready to be an adult. And the fact that I take life too seriously to the point where it brings me down is proof of that.

I fucked everything up. Why do I always ruin everything?


I wish I could just die.

Just now, I went back and read up on entries I posted a couple of years back.

And I realise that my problems of now were always there in the past too. They were always haunting me in some way or another. When they went, they only went for a short while. And then they'd come back and haunt me some more, even worse than before.

I've always been a strange person. Ever since I was born. When I was a small child, I did things that people couldn't explain. I was taken to child psychologists and everything because my parents just didn't know what was up with me.

As I grew up, I got slightly better. But that's only because I learned how to hide it. I buried everything deep inside and there it stayed, slowly increasing, interfering with later life.

I'm a nervous person. I can't speak to people easily and I always hold back from doing things because I have this constant fear of something going wrong. Everything has to be perfect, and if it's not, I freak out. And that's the problem, because reality is far from perfect. But in my mind, it is. And the two clash and don't agree with each other, bringing me down.

No matter what I do, I'll always be strange. I'll always be wrong in the head.

Because I can never be truly happy. There will always be something that will hinder my happiness. I'm never 100% satisfied with things. The glass is always half-empty.

I'm searching for something. But I don't know what this something is. I'm searching for the unknown blindly, with nothing to guide me. I always thought I knew about these things, but I don't. I actually don't have the faintest idea about anything. I don't really know who I am any more. Who am I? What am I looking for and will I ever find it? What will become of me?

I'm terrified of the future. I don't like not being able to see what's going to happen.

I always go back to feeling like I'm not right. Like I don't belong anywhere. I see people living their life fine and I wish that I could be like them. I wish that I could enjoy life and take it as it comes, like they can. But I don't. I constantly worry and dread the future. I continue to be bothered by everything and feel like nothing is ever enough.

I'm so confused...

I wish I could turn back a week and try again.

This time I'd try harder.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do things that shouldn't bother me, bother me? What am I not happy when I should be? Why the Hell do I keep thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about?

I'm a nervous wreck.

I just wish it would all fucking go away...

GRARG GET THESE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SONGS OUT OF MY HEAD!

They've been in my head all day long and they're driving me crazy, I tell you!

First it was that Stick to the Status Quo song, then it was Breaking Free and now it's What I've Been Looking For.

I knew I shouldn't have watched that film XD Darn boredom to Hell.



I have to admit though, some of the songs are quite nice. And there were parts of the film that made me crack up. Only small parts though. The rest of it sucked, lol.

I haven't had much go on in my life really. I just feel really detached from the world, once more. I've been busy at college, laughing with the lads (they have actually told me now that they regard me as one of the dudes, rofl) and being abusive towards Antony.

I realised that I don't really enjoy web design any more. Or manga. It sucks greatly. I'm wondering whether I have some mental problem or something. I'm convinced I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Not because I keep washing my hands or shite like that, but because I have horrible images come into my mind of their own accord. And it's kinda getting in the way of my life :/ I don't want to go to the doctor's though, coz I'm probably just over-reacting.

I also get annoyed greatly by things that shouldn't annoy me. Like some adverts make me wanna throw things at the television. I know that that's normal usually, but what if you feel so enraged you actually wanna break something? It's kinda creepy. I'm too easily bothered by everything. My parents piss me off even when they're not doing anything wrong. They could just be sitting there and I'd get pissed off with them. It's not right and it's getting on my nerves.

I dunno :/ I think I'm going crazy. I've developed a taste for wine too. I used to hate Chardonnay, but now I just keep drinking my mum's stash of wine. I'm surprised she hasn't noticed yet. And no, I'm not becoming an alcoholic. I don't drink often and I only have a glass or two at a time. But it's just weird how I've suddenly decided that wine's alright overnight XD

I'm getting fed up of living life. I'm not suicidal; I just can't be bothered to live any more. I can't be bothered with college, can't be bothered to do things I used to enjoy and can't be bothered in general. There are loads of things on my mind also, but I'm gonna keep them to myself.

My mum went off on one again on Saturday night which resulted in my brother phoning the police. Me, him and my dad had to sleep in the car in the early hours of the morning. Prior to that I was walking round town at half 4 in the morning. Hannah and her parents said that I should go round theirs whenever it happens, but I don't want to bother them like that. It's too much of an inconvenience and a waste of their time. I'd be better off just walking round town and not being a trouble to everyone. It's getting really annoying that this happens all the time. I just wish my mum would get help and admit that she has a drink problem :( And I also wish my dad would hurry up and leave her...



Well this wasn't meant to be an emo post, but it's turned out that way :/ I guess my life is just too crap at the moment for me to write happy things.

Anyways, that's enough for a bit. The next time I post is unknown, but hold tight till then :)

Random blog :/

My life has been so depressing and boring lately. I hardly see any of my friends any more and all I ever do is go to college, sit on the computer and then sleep. It's shet. I wanna go out and have a laugh. I don't wanna sit on my arse at home all the time hoping something interesting will happen. I think it's really pathetic how all I ever do is hope someone interesting comes online to talk to on MSN; I should be going out and meeting up with people. My social life has just disintegrated completely and it sucks arse. I need a job so that I can paid to be bored and then buy manga to keep me occupied at home.

I feel as if my house is becoming a prison of sorts. Everyone and everything is pissing me off and I just want to go out and do something. But I can't because all of my friends are busy with other things. I wish I had a life like theirs; where I always had stuff to do and people to hang out with.

College is boring as fuck. All of our work is fucking shit and I can't get my head round it. I'm tired of all the joking I get from the guys about a particular subject; I just want them to all shut the fuck up. Luckily, they haven't been saying it as much but if they even hint at it one more time I'm gonna get angry. I'm just not in the mood for all that shit.

The only thing I'm looking forward to in my life right now is going to see Madina Lake live in Birmingham. With any luck I'll get caught in a mosh pit and die. Least I won't be bored any more. Hopefully we'll all be allowed to skip college that day, otherwise we're in a bit of a tricky situation. But meh.

All of my sites have died. I should work on them but I'm just not interested whatsoever. I have loads of stuff to do for them, but I just can't be bothered to even look at them these days. Everything I was ever interested in seems like a chore or something now. I can't be bothered to read manga, work on my sites or design any graphics. I just wanna sit there and do nothing. Or sleep all the time.


There's gotta be more to life than just this :/

I woke up it was seven
I waited 'till eleven
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think I got a lot of friends
But I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone
When you're spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid
And life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid
I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares 'cuz I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight

And maybe when the night is dead
I'll crawl into my bed
I'm staring at these four walls again
I'll try to think about the last time
I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid
And life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid
I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares 'cuz I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the hell is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid (I'm just a kid)
Yeah, I'm just a kid (I'm just a kid...Repeat 6x)

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares 'cuz
I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid I know that its not fair
Nobody cares 'cuz
I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares 'cuz I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

Tonight I'm all alone
Tonight nobody cares
Tonight cuz I'm just a kid tonight

I'm Just a Kid - Simple Plan



I swear this song was written about me...

The anime web design community is dead.

It breaks my heart, but it's true. Nobody is interested any more. There are no sites to admire, no lovely graphics to drool over, no hours of making and uploading layouts/icons to a graphics site.

It's all gone.

I mean, I wanted to leave the community just under a year ago. But now I don't. I want it to stay alive. I personally believe that this bitching trend is almost at the end of its life. Even the famous Acerbic Bitches have lost interest in poking fun at it. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that they've said everything they possibly can and there's just nothing left in the community for them to talk about.

Looking around the community, I see just shells of what used to be. Sites that I once used to enjoy visiting are now left dead, inactive and untouched. Either on hiatus or just frozen permanently in time on the latest update of months ago. Others present me with big 'closed' signs or "Firefox was unable to connect to the server" (aka 404 error, page not found). Either that or the domain has expired and is now available to be registered again.

Sites that are still alive are hardly ever updated. It is plain to see that a lot of people don't enjoy web design any more. Either boggled down with school or just uninterested. I myself have found that I can't churn out hundreds of layouts any more. I can barely rustle up the inspiration to make a layout for my own website, let alone a premade layout. I also have a much larger offline life. However, I still have enough time to set aside to make small graphics such as icons, etc.

I understand that a lot of others are probably in the same situation. Uninspired and tied up in offline life. A lot of people will be studying like crazy for exams to get into University/college.

I know all this because of the massive amount of sites closing, going on hiatus, becoming inactive and also the huge drop in comments I receive on my site. I used to receive about 8-12 comments every update. Not a lot but much more than the odd 1 or 2 I get now. It's clearly obvious that nobody has time for graphics any more. Nobody has time to browse sites and comment. Looking around at the other sites that are left, I notice that they too have had a substantial decrease in visitor comments.

What was the cause of all this? Have people simply grown out of it? Has the fun in anime web design died out? Or did the bitching really get to everyone but a select few? Or maybe Livejournal has caused many to quit owning a website and just have an icon journal instead.

Whatever the reason is, I can't deny that I miss the old days of anime web design :( And I hope that one day, it might just come back.